The Shadow Self an Update

By Damien Knight

Back in 2010 I wrote a blog about my journey for a spiritual name. At the time I followed an Egyptian Pagan practice. I am still a Kemetic Pagan though I am now more of a solitary practitioner. Part of my faith is the selection of a spiritual name that would be my “magickal” name. At the time I picked Scaledshadow to honour both my faith in dragons and my fight with the concept of shadow self.

The shadow self is a spiritual belief that we have two versions of ourselves. One version is who we are based on hereditary traits and conditioning by society. It is the face we wear in public, who everyone thinks we are.

The other us is what the “shadow self” is. This self is the one we deny and suppress. The “shadow” carries all our dark desires, the things we view as sin. These can be true psychopathic thoughts or things society has told us to deny. Lust, Greed, and the other 7 deadly sins are things our shadow self might hold as values. My shadow self held something central to my identity as a value: Masculinity.

I took myself to task to find my spiritual name without realisation that I had my name long before that journey. That journey I took ScaledShadow from wolf as he slept. If I had listened to my own dreams, I would have known I was Koraki. It’s cliché to have the name Raven in pagan circles. For me though the Raven is an archetype that fits. He is the light giver and trickster in various folk traditions. He also goes through a transformation.

I will write the story I once read about the raven later for this blog. Koraki is my shadow self the darker aspects society locked away. The desire for masculinity, the hunger that burns and I see him in my dreams fighting to be acknowledged. He tells me I am stronger than I think I am. I am a fighter, a king and that I can still be a man.

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Jan 19, 1986

My name is Damien Knight. I am a 32-year-old female to male trans-person. Today is my birthday. I have lived as male since 2009. I was on testosterone for 3 years and desperately want to get back on it. I also desire one other thing, top surgery.

I have lived 32 years in a body that causes me discomfort, anxiety and depression. The dysphoria once was so bad I attempted suicide. Today I no longer try to die but I think if I had surgery I would be less depressed. This year I hope to raise 1000 toward my goal. Please, for my birthday I ask that people donate toward my surgery fund. Thank You.

The Go Fund Me for my surgery The Shadow’s Journey : https://www.gofundme.com/TheShadowsJourney

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By Damien Knight

Finding myself in the mirror of my past, am I free at last?

When she haunts my dreams can I ever be me?

Saturday I spent my afternoon with my Step-mother and My father at Chuck-e-cheese. For the first time in ages I had a deep heart to heart with my step-mom. For me, despite all I went through, this was the woman who raised me and she is my mom so here on out I will refer to her as such.

I admit I had been harbouring some anger at perceived rejection this past month due to scheduled and canceled visits but the reality was every time we wanted to meet just was not optimal. I always have a way of making more of things than what they are. Those who know what I went through would understand why.

I did not bring up what I felt because once I was alone with my mom and we were talking I realised how petty it was in the grand scheme of things. Still the questions she asked could never be fully answered in one sitting. No one can fully grasp what my life was like but still I feel like I have to try.

I mentioned in my post  Pinocchio- To Be a Real Boy I knew I was a boy since I was a very young age. At 6 years old I told my dad that this world had to be a dream and that I would wake up as me one day. I cried when he told me I was a girl. I constantly asked why I couldn’t use the men’s room. These were all cries for recognition from a child who had no way of wording: “I think I am Trans.” I don’t fault my dad for not remembering these things. I really don’t fault them for incidents they do not know about.

As I got older I formed an Alter ego, or more like he fractured from the girl I was forced to be. I gave him the name of the first boy I envied. Eddie. He didn’t care for this name and renamed himself Raven. I don’t blame Eddie Gang for telling me he had no desire to go by the name of someone who tormented us. Either way during pretend I used Eddie Gang, and his voice as an outlet. It was just a game, I could be a boy during play and it was harmless. I was a ghost.

This wasn’t the only way I ghosted. My step-sister, she’s gorgeous, rambunctious and unapologetically tomboyish. Growing up everyone commented on how much of a tomboy she was while I would buy Black shirts and men’s Jeans and sneakers. They would fret that she wasn’t allowed to cut her hair meanwhile I ordered the stylist to “cut it like a boys.” While they gushed over her being a tomboy I hung out with a crowd of male friends. I was a ghost. A ghost in plain sight.

Every photo where it is obvious I wore clothes I loved I looked male. I loved when I was mistaken for being a boy and my dream was to go back to Disney world dressed as a boy and to use the men’s room. I constantly fantasized this. I saw many therapists none who I told the truth. I told them my suffering abuse and that was honest but I didn’t display my inner turmoil. I didn’t divulge wanting to die because I couldn’t stand one more second as a girl. That I was cutting to try and remove the body I wasn’t suppose to have.

My biggest fear growing up was admitting my feelings for girls. I always had one close “Girlfriend” growing up. Every girl should have a “bestfriend” but for me these girls meant more. I usually had a crush on the girl and knowing I couldn’t dare express this I opted to befriend them. I only dated one girl growing up and because she still isn’t out about her sexuality I will not expose her.

It was scary feeling these things. I was sure God must hate me, and my family would too. For these reasons I was vocally homophobic in later years. I was afraid that gays were going to hell after all. When I was younger I simply defended friends accused of being gay by assuring they were not, rather than saying “So what if they are?” When I got older I spoke out against gay marriage (Bush era) and condemned them and in so doing myself to hell. The self hate is very real.

Speaking of self hate could you imagine that beautiful red headed child in my first photo would hate themselves so much they would tie bed sheets around their neck? When I was 14 I hated my face. I would scream, cry and claw at my skin. I swung between feeling comfortable as me to hating my life and everyone around me. I slept hours on end waiting for the nightmare to end. I chopped my own hair off many times. I would slice my chest. The chest my sisters mocked for being so big praying they’d shrivel. I threw myself at men. Men I secretly envied.

I felt apathy towards others but more over I despised myself. Looking my lovely angel in the eyes at 4 months old I was done and I popped a full cabinet of pills. I instantly regretted trying to die and committed myself. Coming out saved me. Coming out made me able to connect with others. Every day I still struggle. Everyday I pray I wake up and see me. My biggest dream is that I will be able to finally have surgery. Please if you can spare 5 dollars donate to The Shadow’s Journey.

The Shadow’s Journey

By Damien Knight Finding myself in the mirror of my past, am I free at last? …

The Shadow’s Journey

By Damien Knight

Finding myself in the mirror of my past, am I free at last?

When she haunts my dreams can I ever be me?

Saturday I spent my afternoon with my Step-mother and My father at Chuck-e-cheese. For the first time in ages I had a deep heart to heart with my step-mom. For me, despite all I went through, this was the woman who raised me and she is my mom so here on out I will refer to her as such.

I admit I had been harbouring some anger at perceived rejection this past month due to scheduled and canceled visits but the reality was every time we wanted to meet just was not optimal. I always have a way of making more of things than what they are. Those who know what I went through would understand why.

I did not bring up what I felt because once I was alone with my mom and we were talking I realised how petty it was in the grand scheme of things. Still the questions she asked could never be fully answered in one sitting. No one can fully grasp what my life was like but still I feel like I have to try.

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Every Day Transman Concept 2

Damien Knight

I been mulling in my mind about doing web comics for a while. I use to draw comics in middle school and high-school but I never felt I was good enough to pass for an “Artist.” Anyway today I tried using paint to sketch out spatial concepts. I know the colouring job needs work. I still feel that I would need way more practice and better drawing skills before this could be a thing.  If you wish to donate to my Journey click The Shadow’s Journey. Thanks.

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Trans people and Military.

Damien Knight Trump has announced a ban on trans people serving  and this is how I feel: It’s  time to rise up. I will not, as a trans person who has military family, stay quiet. The army isnt a place to go backwards. We were the first to desegregate and we should be the first place to have full acceptance. Revolt, rebell as the declaration of independence states ” That whenever any Form of…

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Trans people and Military.

Damien Knight

Trump has announced a ban on trans people serving  and this is how I feel:

It’s  time to rise up. I will not, as a trans person who has military family, stay quiet. The army isnt a place to go backwards. We were the first to desegregate and we should be the first place to have full acceptance. Revolt, rebell as the declaration of independence states ” That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute newGovernment, ” it is time!
I am shaking. I am angry. America brags about freedom but we aren’t free. Healthcare is outrageous, racism is rampant and lgbt community is second class. Rise up!