Feel trapped, mourning the dream,
Cut to pieces nothing left to see.
How do you bleed when vein dry?
A empty world filled with icy lies,
I can’t fight when others rather I die.
Every turn I’m wicked, narcissist,
Or I’m hated, othered, unwanted.
I file away the pain, slots of mind,
Empty, cold, no empathy to find.
Makes me worthless, no place for me.
Wake me from this misery,
This corpse tires as king of agony.
When will this damn curse lift,
Where is the supposes gift.
That life is suppose to be
Denied, rejected, forced to mask.
Hide dysphoria, depression, desire to die.
Hide my rage, my existence, wake alone.
I am done fighting on my own.
Please, crying out, desperate not to die.
Save me, I’m drowning in this sea!
Help so I can be who I see inside!
Curse the daylight which illuminates
The dark recesses of my mind.
How I long for eternal rest!
My soul unable to escape my self-hate.
Who can stand a man of such despair?
To end the joke that is my life
Would be the most pertinent thing to do!
Close my eyes and die! It’s only fair!
Yet here I am living, as I must!
Fighting the demons plaguing my existence.
Ever lingering, they drown me!
Who is there? Is there a love I can trust?
Yesterday was International Transgender Day of visibility. I posted on my personal facebook about it but nothing on the blog. This poem and another I am working on addresses the emotions I have gone through as I have transitioned. The suicide rate for trans people is much higher than the general population and I am no stranger to the desire to die yet here I am ALIVE! Many never make it so not only do I wish to present myself as a visible trans person I wish to remember those who have passed either from suicide or murdered. Let us celebrate, let us grieve and let us live and love just as everyone else.
Getting what I asked for
Pain, emotional pain, turmoil
You treat me such yet I run to you
Blasted with a dose of stress
Force me back into my closet
Why I swear I have only loved you
I am no little girl
How dare you treat my so blasé
Does it matter, I am a man
Why care what others have to say?
Is it not me you adore?
don’t hide like i’m a secret girlfriend
I don’t even look female anymore
If I am not worth being open
You are not worth my effort
Can you be forgiven
I think not when I am fed doubt
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I’m tired! Say my name! Say my name! I’m tired! But I’m here to stay! I will fight! I’m proud, got no shame! I will fight! I won’t be forced away! You can try to say we don’t exist. I will shout, scream, and stomp! Bigotry in the office? Yell “Resist!” Trump promised to drain the fucking swamp! Instead he caged children, seperated families! He attempted travel and military bans! Now this plague threatens to erase me! Your voice is your weapon! Take a stand! We do not cease at your command! We fight! Tired, angry and unphazed! You can kill us, our fury rises across the land For we are here and we won’t be erased!
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Back in 2010 I wrote a blog about my journey for a spiritual name. At the time I followed an Egyptian Pagan practice. I am still a Kemetic Pagan though I am now more of a solitary practitioner. Part of my faith is the selection of a spiritual name that would be my “magickal” name. At the time I picked Scaledshadow to honour both my faith in dragons and my fight with the concept of shadow self.
The shadow self is a spiritual belief that we have two versions of ourselves. One version is who we are based on hereditary traits and conditioning by society. It is the face we wear in public, who everyone thinks we are.
The other us is what the “shadow self” is. This self is the one we deny and suppress. The “shadow” carries all our dark desires, the things we view as sin. These can be true psychopathic thoughts or things society has told us to deny. Lust, Greed, and the other 7 deadly sins are things our shadow self might hold as values. My shadow self held something central to my identity as a value: Masculinity.
I took myself to task to find my spiritual name without realisation that I had my name long before that journey. That journey I took ScaledShadow from wolf as he slept. If I had listened to my own dreams, I would have known I was Koraki. It’s cliché to have the name Raven in pagan circles. For me though the Raven is an archetype that fits. He is the light giver and trickster in various folk traditions. He also goes through a transformation.
I will write the story I once read about the raven later for this blog. Koraki is my shadow self the darker aspects society locked away. The desire for masculinity, the hunger that burns and I see him in my dreams fighting to be acknowledged. He tells me I am stronger than I think I am. I am a fighter, a king and that I can still be a man.
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My name is Damien Knight. I am a 32-year-old female to male trans-person. Today is my birthday. I have lived as male since 2009. I was on testosterone for 3 years and desperately want to get back on it. I also desire one other thing, top surgery.
I have lived 32 years in a body that causes me discomfort, anxiety and depression. The dysphoria once was so bad I attempted suicide. Today I no longer try to die but I think if I had surgery I would be less depressed. This year I hope to raise 1000 toward my goal. Please, for my birthday I ask that people donate toward my surgery fund. Thank You.
Finding myself in the mirror of my past, am I free at last?
When she haunts my dreams can I ever be me?
Saturday, I spent my afternoon with my Step-mother and my Father at Chuck-E-Cheese. For the first time in ages I had a deep heart to heart with my Step-mom. For me, despite all I went through, this was the woman who raised me. She is my Mom so here on out I will refer to her as such.
I been mulling in my mind about doing web comics for a while. I use to draw comics in middle school and high-school but I never felt I was good enough to pass for an “Artist.” Anyway today I tried using paint to sketch out spatial concepts. I know the colouring job needs work. I still feel that I would need way more practice and better drawing skills before this could be a thing. If you wish to donate to my Journey click The Shadow’s Journey. Thanks.
Trump has announced a ban on trans people serving and this is how I feel:
It’s time to rise up. I will not, as a trans person who has military family, stay quiet. The army isnt a place to go backwards. We were the first to desegregate and we should be the first place to have full acceptance. Revolt, rebell as the declaration of independence states ” That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute newGovernment, ” it is time!
I am shaking. I am angry. America brags about freedom but we aren’t free. Healthcare is outrageous, racism is rampant and lgbt community is second class. Rise up!
I am a writer who often dawdles (wastes time). So here I am, procrastinating by talking about organization, writing tips, teaching writing tips, and other random things to keep up my writing habits, when I should be writing my novel, and here you are, dawdling as well. C'mon in and join me for some dawdling (and pretending we're not).