Written in 2010
Last week I did something I would never have dreamt of doing, I shut my internet off. I did this to focus on finding a new spiritual name, which I found. I found more than that. I ate healthier and started vitamins. I have added fish oil and calcium to my diet. I had been experiencing shakes and strange Tourette’s like tics that got so bad they interfered with my life. But last week with exercising, meditating, and healthy eating, the shakes subsided. My face still twitches, but a friend informed me that vitamin E in my diet might help. It is worth a shot.
I went looking for a name and challenged my inner being through meditation. I have so much of me I used to cannot accept due to the family that raised me.
My being lay hidden, but I could not deny my shadow self. I suppose I went on my journey the moment I confessed to Nydia that when I was young, I had wished I was a boy. I felt that my family would consider such thoughts sinful, a blasphemy against God’s design. My shadow self, my inner me, showed me that this thinking was only hindering me and making me ill. It led me down a road of depression and sorrow.
I had for a long time “wanted” the perfect female life. To be a wife and mother. After having Cera, I realised I still was not happy. I knew something was wrong. Yes, postpartum depression may have been part of it. The doctors in the institution thought it was, and the Lamictal helped at first. I noticed that the minute I left, and the world bombarded me with activity, I lost that time to exercise alone. Then the medicine no longer worked. I was depressed again.
I attempted to commit suicide twice last year, and I had to look deep as to why. I denied the shadow self. I denied these things due to old morals and outdated values. I kept pushing Wolf to accept that I am not the woman he wanted. Deep inside I am male and yet I had not accepted it myself. How dare I, the shadow seemed to say to me. How dare I not accept this and yet demand others to accept me? Wolf has accepted me but had I accepted me to begin with it may have made it easier.
I was Scalelike Starr, a name that came from a dragon in my dreams. I have a new name now and the dragon seemed to agree with Wolf on this one I am ScaledShadow. Why Wolf muttered such a name in his sleep I do not know, but it is indeed a name that fits. The dragon of my dreams enlightened me as to why. Scaled as I have a deep association and respect for dragons. Shadow, for I am coming to terms with the shadow self and slowly absorbing those values I rejected as a child.
Forgive me friends for the long post, but I had needed to share this with you.
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