By Damien Knight
When we think of motivation, we talk a lot about light, moving into the light, seeking light, pursuing it. Light is always the goal. We then view struggle as our enemy and emotions as weapons against us. Pain, suffering, depression, we become swallowed in our cycle of pity and anguish and only light can save us. This, this then leads us to struggling to find light, light of course being happiness, prosperity and normalcy. We fight darkness, but is it our enemy?
I was evicted back in March 2017; the land-lord had tried several times to evict me for various claims and I finally stopped fighting her. I won’t claim I embraced despair. No one does but at this same time I had watched The Secret and I desperately wanted to believe in the power of attraction. I had put out to the universe that I wanted a house; I knew I had a lease I couldn’t break and, yet the universe found a way for me to break my lease.
So far, no darkness, but then I was unable to find a place, and I ended up essentially squatting in a house that had a bad roof and no floors in the kitchen. I loved the house itself and part of me wanted to buy it, but it wasn’t feasible. After just a month a familiar friend appeared. Depression, loneliness, despair. I have experienced many dark times in my past but this recent one I feel is where I mastered not fighting the darkness of agony.
I have suffered many “Character Building” events. Truly to pursue the light one must stop fighting darkness and use it to build your character. Side note if you suffer clinical illness do not take my words to mean you should stop medicines. Please remember that medicine is a tool to keep us going just as much as any other means of motivation and for some it is what keeps us alive. STAY MOTIVATED!
Hey guys, this week I begin driving lessons! As you can see by the exclamation mark, I am very excited. I am also real nervous. I have not driven since my wreck in 2009. That wreck left me concussed and terrified of driving even though I was not at fault. Anyway, that’s beside the point.
Another exciting thing is the Geology spring break trip. I will go to the Mojave! I know little about the trip yet but I will write about it when I get back. Things are flowing, some good, no lots good but even when I got good flow I know life isn’t always smooth so today, My Motivation Monday is:
When the river flows, it does not avoid the rock but embraces the rock. Over time, the rock in the river is rounded and changed and the jagged edges become smooth. In this way we too must embrace obstacles that cannot be avoided. When a river cannot make it through rough terrain, it’s path changes. It is not wrong or unmotivated to change direction, to avoid obstacles which otherwise hinder us. But if it cannot be avoided (School Tests, Job interview, a Marriage) we must welcome, embrace the change, the hindrance and reshape it into our benefit. Be like a river my friends and go with the flow.
By Damien Knight
As you all know, I have moved into a new house. What you might not know is I suffer from chronic illness. This weekend I posted a poem titled Invisible which captured how I felt dealing with having to unpack an entire house with just me and two kids. I am exhausted, stressed and in constant pain. I know I shouldn’t complain about it but isn’t human?
Absolutely! And not only is it natural and human to complain it is human to want compassion. I have arthritis, Hashimoto’s, Asthma, epilepsy, GERD, and depression brought on by the fact I have had no medication since December due to insurance issues. It gets frustrating just trying to get out of bed. With a thyroid disorder sleepiness is more than just a symptom. It is a way of life. I have trouble sleeping at night and keeping my eyes open in the day. I live on coffee.
In fact, I bet most of you also live on coffee and you don’t even suffer a thyroid problem, right? Or maybe you do. The point is many of us struggle with just getting out of bed. I slept a lot as a kid, the depression so heavy sleep was better than living. Today’s Motivation “Every Day begins with an act of courage.” So true. For me just getting up means the depression, the chronic pain, and Hashimoto’s does not beat me. My illness will not define me, hardships do not have to define us. Be proud today you got out of bed.
Some months back a big YouTube family lost two of their children in highly publicized CPS custody battle. I won’t name the family, I am sure we all know who I am talking about and their heinousness does not deserve more air time. Just know they were a “Prank Channel” where the pranks were them screaming obscenities at the youngest step child until he cried. He literally was the red headed step-child.
Why am I bringing this up on a motivational Monday? Good question you see during all that I had avoided seeing the “prank videos” and blocked out the story because it was very similar to stuff I suffered. Having my step sisters favoured over me, constantly being called dumb blond or some other insult, having my favourite toys literally thrown away or broken in front of me, and having my parents encourage my step sister to beat me up. While I know they might read this and deny they hurt me I know my past. I know my darkness. I saw those videos today.
It wasn’t intentional, a friend, one who was well meaning, shared it and Facebook auto played it when I scrolled. The flashback happened immediately, I was a scared teenager all over, I was that boy in the video being accused when I hadn’t done a thing wrong. I curled up in a corner and was bawling. Even now it’s hard to not have tears in my eyes. This is not how you treat a child you love.
The candle, the candle to my past is right there in front of me. As I cried my son heard me and came. His arms wrapped around me, I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for yelling at him so much. He and his sister just sat their in my arms like babes. Light a candle, forgive.
I do forgive my family, we have grown past so much. I will always struggle with PTSD but I can’t curse the darkness. I know that while I had a difficult childhood I am not the only one who has. My own parents both grew up in tough childhoods. I don’t know much about their lives but I know it was no cake walk and abuse is often a pattern one I hope to keep on breaking.
Happy Monday and stay Motivated!
Before I start I want to give a small shout out to two people who helped me and Aaron achieve one of our ‘impossible’ dreams. Kelley McGough who stayed well past 9 pm working with us on paper work for our house and spent the entire days hunting down every property she could that might peak our interest, check her out if you happen to need a house in the bowling green area. Kelley Mcgough . And then there was Deena Huff of Foreman Watson Land Title. She made the paperwork into a breeze and was genuine. You can learn about her here Foreman Watson Land Title. I plan to write a more in depth article about our experience but I want to thank them.
For as long as I can remember I spent my life in apartments. Sure I lived perhaps one year in a house, I was 16. For us, me it was one of those impossible dreams. To have a place where I could have that white picket fence (figuratively). I spent month after month shelling out 800 to apartments that eventually screwed me over and I suffered increased stress, depression and even anxiety every time an apartment manager wanted to “inspect”.
It’s not that I can’t keep a tidy home, but I couldn’t keep a perfect home. I no longer have to fear that they’d just waltz in on a bad day. I no longer have to worry about upstairs neighbours. Best of all achieving something this big reminds me that we can have impossible dreams, because they aren’t truly impossible.
On Sept 2 @itskermit tweeted a statement that spoke to my soul.
I saw it today shared on Facebook and thought, seriously saying, F- it and doing something is much easier than psyching myself out with can do statements. The beauty of saying Fuck It is that you stop worrying. You let it all go. That girl you got a crush on? F-it ask her out. That diet plan you keep waffling over- F-it now is the time no more debate. Got to clean the attic, want to go over seas? Make it reality by saying Fuck this I am going. When the chips are down and you just can’t figure what you got to lose Saying F-it is a win. So friends for todays Motivation Monday embrace that Fuck This Shit attitude and get the job done!
“Yea though I walk through the Valley of death I shall fear no evil. ” Psalms 23: 4 KJV
Life is filled with pitfalls and places that for a time are ‘The Valley of Death.” These times of darkness are temporary, be patient and seek the light.