Journal Dec 2003

By Damien Knight

Commentary in italics. I wrote this journal a month before my birthday while in a Louisville, Kentucky psychiatric facility. I was in the long-term ward. I spent my teen years in various psych facilities from the time I was 13 until I was 19 years old.

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Shadow Knight

By Damien Knight

The death knight, the warrior, perfect
For dead he serves eternal.
His stance sturdy, erect,
His heart cold as solid stone.
Life cannot touch his soul,
Pain he does not feel.
How I envy his demeanour cold,
With apathy of steel.
His face a mirror to mine,
I wish I were a heartless knight.
To no longer ache inside,
Just stand and face my fight!

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What I Got In Trouble for as a Kid

By Damien Knight

My 300 Writing prompts is what I got int trouble for most. I got in trouble for most as a kid was not paying attention. I got in fights occasionally and got in trouble for other things but was yelled at most for my lack of focus. Whether it was forgetting my umbrella during a down pour or not closing a door in a timely manner, I got scolded. I fear I yell too much at my own children for similar such mole hills.

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My Favourite Work Of Art

By Damien Knight

My favourite work of art is Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh. I have loved Van Gogh’s art since 3rd grade when Ms. Denny read a story on his life. I felt I could personally connect with his traumatic life.
I love the dark blue colours of this painting streaked with bright stars swirling the sky. Those swirling stars are like wind swept lights of hope through the dark blue of my depression. I feel hope when I see this painting.

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Van Gogh’s Starry Night

The Shadow Self an Update

By Damien Knight

Back in 2010 I wrote a blog about my journey for a spiritual name. At the time I followed an Egyptian Pagan practice. I am still a Kemetic Pagan though I am now more of a solitary practitioner. Part of my faith is the selection of a spiritual name that would be my “magickal” name. At the time I picked Scaledshadow to honour both my faith in dragons and my fight with the concept of shadow self.

The shadow self is a spiritual belief that we have two versions of ourselves. One version is who we are based on hereditary traits and conditioning by society. It is the face we wear in public, who everyone thinks we are.

The other us is what the “shadow self” is. This self is the one we deny and suppress. The “shadow” carries all our dark desires, the things we view as sin. These can be true psychopathic thoughts or things society has told us to deny. Lust, Greed, and the other 7 deadly sins are things our shadow self might hold as values. My shadow self held something central to my identity as a value: Masculinity.

I took myself to task to find my spiritual name without realisation that I had my name long before that journey. That journey I took ScaledShadow from wolf as he slept. If I had listened to my own dreams, I would have known I was Koraki. It’s cliché to have the name Raven in pagan circles. For me though the Raven is an archetype that fits. He is the light giver and trickster in various folk traditions. He also goes through a transformation.

I will write the story I once read about the raven later for this blog. Koraki is my shadow self the darker aspects society locked away. The desire for masculinity, the hunger that burns and I see him in my dreams fighting to be acknowledged. He tells me I am stronger than I think I am. I am a fighter, a king and that I can still be a man.

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