My name is Damien Knight. I am a 32-year-old female to male trans-person. Today is my birthday. I have lived as male since 2009. I was on testosterone for 3 years and desperately want to get back on it. I also desire one other thing, top surgery.
I have lived 32 years in a body that causes me discomfort, anxiety and depression. The dysphoria once was so bad I attempted suicide. Today I no longer try to die but I think if I had surgery I would be less depressed. This year I hope to raise 1000 toward my goal. Please, for my birthday I ask that people donate toward my surgery fund. Thank You.
The Go Fund Me for my surgery The Shadow’s Journey : https://www.gofundme.com/TheShadowsJourney
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By Damien Knight
I took a life today
I didn’t mean too,
I wasn’t wanting to murder
But father said I killed her.
Father said I commited slaughter
Yes I took a life today because
Father didn’t have a son but a daughter
Never mind the love I gave
Trips to the lake…
….I will take a life tomorrow
By Damien Knight
Finding myself in the mirror of my past, am I free at last?
When she haunts my dreams can I ever be me?
Saturday I spent my afternoon with my Step-mother and My father at Chuck-e-cheese. For the first time in ages I had a deep heart to heart with my step-mom. For me, despite all I went through, this was the woman who raised me and she is my mom so here on out I will refer to her as such.
I admit I had been harbouring some anger at perceived rejection this past month due to scheduled and canceled visits but the reality was every time we wanted to meet just was not optimal. I always have a way of making more of things than what they are. Those who know what I went through would understand why.
I did not bring up what I felt because once I was alone with my mom and we were talking I realised how petty it was in the grand scheme of things. Still the questions she asked could never be fully answered in one sitting. No one can fully grasp what my life was like but still I feel like I have to try.
By Damien Knight
Hello, My name is Damien Knight, I have self claimed many titles, Artist, Poet, Scientist. I have wrapped myself into these layers to define me. But I am caged into other title, “Daughter, Mother, Sister.” SHUT UP! I want to scream, but I’m afraid.
I started writing when I was young, perhaps 9 years old I wrote my first poem. I would write about dinosaurs and silly things and make drawings to accompany my writings. I loved art I could fling paint onto anything and forget my sorrow. Poetry and Art made me forget. I joined the writers club in fourth grade. I wrote brilliant stories. Mostly stories that came from dreams just as I still do today.
My sister joined the art club, and I gained a new cage. I couldn’t be an “Artist” because she was. I had been painting long before she had but because she’d accuse me of copy catting I was denied my passion. I’d paint in secret crushing rocks and mixing dirts with egg-yolks to create my own paints. I’d glaze my paintings with clear nail-polish. My favourite painting had been made with a red dirt and black charcoal paints I called “Brick wall” or “Brick Road” depending on my mood. It was painted on discarded cardboard.
Don’t think my parents forced me to paint this way. Some cages are self built. My parents encouraged art for me and actually discouraged it for my poor sister. They bought me art books and when they learned I was making my own paints bought me a kit to teach me proper paint making techniques. My sister meanwhile was yelled at for using her talents on the “devil’s work” Anime. This may have been part of what fueled her to insult my art and call me a copy cat.
I am not sure what I was going to say in this originally when I started writing but I guess the same could be said for the painting I have as my background for this piece. Caged, I spent growing up locked in my room or in psych-wards but that’s not the same as being caged inside. I was locked in my mind. I wrote poetry and painted trying to express myself. When I painted ‘myself’ I was always some gangster looking guy. No one noticed.
“Daughter.” That label made it impossible to realize the male in the sketch spray painting a wall was supposed to be me. You can medicate depression, give talk therapy for anger issues but if you ignore that your child is not the girl you want her to be the result might just be a dead child. I attempted suicide at the tender age of 13. I popped all my Depekote given for mood disorder… and I woke up the next morning like I hadn’t did a thing.
Ten plus suicide attempts, 12 times in facilities, plus one last time as an adult. I haven’t written any new poems in ages and I paint occasionally but after my last hospitalization I found the keys to my mental cage. Hints had been there all along, the child crying because he was told to wear a shirt because he’s a girl, the 14 year old sitting in the waiting area of Ten Broeck Hospital and seeing a news clip about a female swimmer so affected by steroids she “transitioned” to male. The 20 year old engaged ‘girl’ watching Maury episode about trans-males and commenting how “she” had wanted to be a boy once. The reason I tried to kill myself wasn’t post partum. It was because I failed to fit the cage of the labels I was expected of me.
You realize you can’t raise children living a lie, or look yourself in the mirror. Today I am free. I hope to paint again soon, and who knows maybe write new happier poetry. Because today I can do anything. Today I am no longer caged.
If you wish to support my transition go donate The Shadow’s Journey. Thanks.
Trump has announced a ban on trans people serving and this is how I feel:
It’s time to rise up. I will not, as a trans person who has military family, stay quiet. The army isnt a place to go backwards. We were the first to desegregate and we should be the first place to have full acceptance. Revolt, rebell as the declaration of independence states ” That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute newGovernment, ” it is time!
I am shaking. I am angry. America brags about freedom but we aren’t free. Healthcare is outrageous, racism is rampant and lgbt community is second class. Rise up!
By Damien Knight
Bright colours cant take away the pain
Sunny skies don’t mean there is no rain
I wept feeling all alone surrounded
While others claim my fear is unfounded
Do you live your truest self?
Or are you sheltered, soul upon the shelf?
If I live as my truest, hatred and judgement
Vile yells that I should repent
But if I live as a lie, I’d rather be dead
So I’ll be the man I imprisoned in my head
And those who would wish me ill
Those who’d rather I be killed
I will dismiss their existence best I can
And stand strong as the man I am
Written by: Damien Knight
Below is an old blog post from a former blog I kept. The post was a medical update from five years ago. Since then I had learned that my doctor wanted me on EFMP for asthma and epilepsy. I have also been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disorder and the bipolar diagnosis turned out to not even exist in my medical records. I lived my life medicated for a disease I had no diagnosis for. This blog, I created it because I wanted to share the good and the bad of life.
“Ok, in a week I learn what my blood results are. Since the doctor wants me on the EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) I know something’s up. Most likely this is for my past diagnosis of bipolar. A diagnoses I am now trying to contest and get a re-diagnosis. I Have to get an MRI for twitching and fainting spells which is why my friends I keep leaving the bar on Tuesday early. My worst twitching episodes happen at about 10:00 Pm and it is embarrassing for me to have others see me smacking myself.
Anyway, I get that done Friday and Wednesday I go see a doctor for an evaluation of my blood results. I need to talk to the doctor about this damn black spot that appeared on my eye. I have been having these problems for months (the twitching migraines and fainting problem) it took Akron dragging me to the doctor to do something about it. My own concerns had been so focused on my personal displeasure at being born in a female body that the health of said body really didn’t matter.
So, I had a conversation with Aaron last night. I asked him if it was normal to see what I could only describe as television static in front of everything one sees. He told me no.
So for my friends I ask is this normal? I know the silver static that blocks out my entire vision is not normal but my vision is always blocked with light static in front. I wonder is it normal?
Update: So, this was before they diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and epilepsy. The lump I spoke of on my eye in this prior journal turned out to be a blood tumor and I just had surgery on it after two years of ignoring it.”
As I make my journey, I intend to keep updating everyone how I am doing. I am a poet, novelist, father, college student and many other things but I am also a Trans Male and I know there needs to be more visible Female to male trans people. That we need to be out there discussing our happiness and our struggles. Thank you and please feel free to support my transition here: The Shadow’s Journey.