The Shadow Self an Update

By Damien Knight

Back in 2010 I wrote a blog about my journey for a spiritual name. At the time I followed an Egyptian Pagan practice. I am still a Kemetic Pagan though I am now more of a solitary practitioner. Part of my faith is the selection of a spiritual name that would be my “magickal” name. At the time I picked Scaledshadow to honour both my faith in dragons and my fight with the concept of shadow self.

The shadow self is a spiritual belief that we have two versions of ourselves. One version is who we are based on hereditary traits and conditioning by society. It is the face we wear in public, who everyone thinks we are.

The other us is what the “shadow self” is. This self is the one we deny and suppress. The “shadow” carries all our dark desires, the things we view as sin. These can be true psychopathic thoughts or things society has told us to deny. Lust, Greed, and the other 7 deadly sins are things our shadow self might hold as values. My shadow self held something central to my identity as a value: Masculinity.

I took myself to task to find my spiritual name without realisation that I had my name long before that journey. That journey I took ScaledShadow from wolf as he slept. If I had listened to my own dreams, I would have known I was Koraki. It’s cliché to have the name Raven in pagan circles. For me though the Raven is an archetype that fits. He is the light giver and trickster in various folk traditions. He also goes through a transformation.

I will write the story I once read about the raven later for this blog. Koraki is my shadow self the darker aspects society locked away. The desire for masculinity, the hunger that burns and I see him in my dreams fighting to be acknowledged. He tells me I am stronger than I think I am. I am a fighter, a king and that I can still be a man.

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My Soul Journey

Written in 2010
Greetings everyone,

Last week I did something I would never have dreamt of doing, I shut my internet off. I did this to focus on finding a new spiritual name, which I found. I found more than that. I ate healthier and started vitamins. I have added fish oil and calcium to my diet. I had been experiencing shakes and strange Tourette’s like tics that got so bad they interfered with my life. But last week with exercising, meditating, and healthy eating, the shakes subsided. My face still twitches, but a friend informed me that vitamin E in my diet might help. It is worth a shot.

I went looking for a name and challenged my inner being through meditation. I have so much of me I used to cannot accept due to the family that raised me.

My being lay hidden, but I could not deny my shadow self. I suppose I went on my journey the moment I confessed to Nydia that when I was young, I had wished I was a boy. I felt that my family would consider such thoughts sinful, a blasphemy against God’s design. My shadow self, my inner me, showed me that this thinking was only hindering me and making me ill. It led me down a road of depression and sorrow.

I had for a long time “wanted” the perfect female life. To be a wife and mother. After having Cera, I realised I still was not happy. I knew something was wrong. Yes, postpartum depression may have been part of it. The doctors in the institution thought it was, and the Lamictal helped at first. I noticed that the minute I left, and the world bombarded me with activity, I lost that time to exercise alone. Then the medicine no longer worked. I was depressed again.

I attempted to commit suicide twice last year, and I had to look deep as to why. I denied the shadow self. I denied these things due to old morals and outdated values. I kept pushing Wolf to accept that I am not the woman he wanted. Deep inside I am male and yet I had not accepted it myself. How dare I, the shadow seemed to say to me. How dare I not accept this and yet demand others to accept me? Wolf has accepted me but had I accepted me to begin with it may have made it easier.

I was Scalelike Starr, a name that came from a dragon in my dreams. I have a new name now and the dragon seemed to agree with Wolf on this one I am ScaledShadow. Why Wolf muttered such a name in his sleep I do not know, but it is indeed a name that fits. The dragon of my dreams enlightened me as to why. Scaled as I have a deep association and respect for dragons. Shadow, for I am coming to terms with the shadow self and slowly absorbing those values I rejected as a child.
Forgive me friends for the long post, but I had needed to share this with you.

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