Tight the heart beat in my chest I cry out pain in my breath Are you far, desperate this king To cry seeking his beloved queen Queen of hearts don’t take my head Keep me near beside your bed Serve you well this Knight of spades A dark king who shys the light of day The coughing caught in my throat Like the lies others have spoke Don’t dwell on those who hurt Or the pain that wells inside you I tell myself this daily, just breathe And if I the king of misery can let go Oh shadow queen let us together be free
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OK, in a week I learn what my blood results are. Since the doctor wants me on the EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) I know that something’s up. Most likely this is for my past diagnosis of Bipolar. A diagnosis I am now trying to contest and get a re-diagnosis. I have to get an MRI for twitching and fainting spells, which is why my friends I keep leaving the bar on Tuesday early. My worst twitching episodes happen at about 10:00 Pm and it is embarrassing for me to have others see me smacking myself. Anyway, I get that done Friday and Wednesday I go see a doctor for an evaluation of my blood results. I need to talk to the doctor about this damn black spot that appeared on my eye. I have been having these problems for months (the twitching, migraines and fainting problem) it took Aaron dragging me to the doctor to do something about it. My own concerns had been so focused on my personal displeasure at being born in a female body that the health of said body really didn’t matter.
So I had a conversation with Aaron last night. I asked him if it was normal to see what I could only describe as television static in front of everything one sees. He told me no.
So for my friends, I ask, is this normal? I know the silver static that blocks out my entire vision is not normal, but my vision is always blocked with light static in front. I wonder, is it normal?
Today: So this was before they diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and epilepsy. The lump I spoke of on my eye in this prior journal turned out to be a blood tumor, and I just had surgery on it after two years of ignoring it.
1/18/2021 I wish I dated the “today” on this post, so I knew when that was. But I wrote the original post in 2010 and the second entry was likely 2012-13 ish. The fainting was a separate condition from my epilepsy. The cardiologist suspects but still has not diagnosed me with POTS. I am hoping to see Dr. Grubb eventually and find out if I have POTS and EDS. Those with autoimmune issues often have more than one medical problem. It is a fact with chronic illness.
I am a writer who often dawdles (wastes time). So here I am, procrastinating by talking about organization, writing tips, teaching writing tips, and other random things to keep up my writing habits, when I should be writing my novel, and here you are, dawdling as well. C'mon in and join me for some dawdling (and pretending we're not).