Shades Cruel Illusion

The words people say, cruel shades
They are but false reality
Ignore their tired refrain
that is hard for me

I do not know if my meaning clear
When I use such pain with word play
Though I call for my lady dear
Meanwhile try to walk away

Let go the haunting memories
Of past wrongs when life is short
I don’t do it for them, it’s for me
Any moment I could burst

And with the fates holding my thread
Good and tight in their hands
Would they cut me down dead
I won’t leave my regret in this mortal land

So I guess what I mean is I have to let stress go
If at any moment my body, my heart might let go of me
Holding on will only kill me slow
When I let go Like the dragon I finally fly free

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Let Go Together

Tight the heart beat in my chest
I cry out pain in my breath
Are you far, desperate this king
To cry seeking his beloved queen
Queen of hearts don’t take my head
Keep me near beside your bed
Serve you well this Knight of spades
A dark king who shys the light of day
The coughing caught in my throat
Like the lies others have spoke
Don’t dwell on those who hurt
Or the pain that wells inside you
I tell myself this daily, just breathe
And if I the king of misery can let go
Oh shadow queen let us together be free

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Invisible

By Damien Knight
When you struggle And your eyes

won’t stay open but you must 

because if you don’t 

You are lazy, and worthless

Being sick, how they accuse
You look fine to me.

My illness is a haunting

A spectre, has me imprisoned 

In my “sound” body

Their judging eyes decieve them 

They don’t see my medicine 

Or know how long since I was 

able to take them

I sleep exhausted by life

A voice mocking my weakness

But I wont cave in.

This is what living is like

With invisible illness

And I am stronger!

 

ENDO

By Damien Knight

So I went to the doctor today. They are getting referrals to a Neuro and an Endo. I am so nervous. I don’t know what to expect at all. I have been waiting so long to start hormones and I am so close I can taste it. I just wish I knew more FTM people who could tell me what to expect.

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New update

Damien Knight

So I been going to a therapist for a while now. Monday I have an appointment with the family physician. I hope I can get him to refer me to an endo and a new neuro. I also purchased a new chest binder. It isn’t made for trans guys but I have already tried ones that are and maybe this one will work better. It is for a condition called gynecomastia (man boobs). I really hope this works.

Want to help with transition costs? Donate here : The Shadow’s Journey

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Journal 2 Years ago and update today

By Damien Knight
OK, in a week I learn what my blood results are. Since the doctor wants me on the EFMP (Exeptional Family Member Program) I know that somethings up. Most likely this is for my past diagnosis of Bipolar. A diagnoses I am now trying to contest and get a re-diagnosis. I have to get an MRI for twitching and fainting spells which is why my friends I keep leaving the bar on Tuesday early. My worst twitching episodes happen at about 10:00 Pm and it is embarrassing for me to have others see me smacking myself. Anyway I get that done Friday and Wednesday I go see a doctor for an evaluation of my blood results. I need to talk to the doctor about this damn black spot that appeared on my eye. I have been having these problems for months (the twitching migraines and fainting problem) it took Aaron dragging me to the doctor to do something about it. My own concerns had been so focused on my personal displeasure at being born in a female body that the health of said body really didn’t matter.

So I had a conversation with Aaron last night. I asked him if it was normal to see what I could only describe as television static in front of everything one sees. He told me no.

So for my friends I ask is this normal? I know the silver static that blocks out my entire vision is not normal but my vision is always blocked with light static in front. I wonder is it normal?

Today: So this was before they diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and epilepsy. The lump I spoke of on my eye in this prior journal turned out to be a blood tumor and I just had surgery on it after two years of ignoring it.