False Faces – The Mirror

I love the pain, the raging self hate
It burns like anger, the scratches
Along this face, screaming in the mirror
I love the pain, I cry as I tear
At my hair, pound fists to glass
When will I feel sane
Love who I am again
I stab the skin, claw the strange flesh
Wash this face that I can’t replace
Scream, who is she, staring back at me
I love the pain, the agony
The misery of the man
I will never truly be
When will I see myself reflected back at me?

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Fighting to Live

Curse the daylight which illuminates
The dark recesses of my mind.
How I long for eternal rest!
My soul unable to escape my self-hate.

Who can stand a man of such despair?
To end the joke that is my life
Would be the most pertinent thing to do!
Close my eyes and die! It’s only fair!

Yet here I am living, as I must!
Fighting the demons plaguing my existence.
Ever lingering, they drown me!
Who is there? Is there a love I can trust?

Yesterday was International Transgender Day of visibility. I posted on my personal facebook about it but nothing on the blog. This poem and another I am working on addresses the emotions I have gone through as I have transitioned. The suicide rate for trans people is much higher than the general population and I am no stranger to the desire to die yet here I am ALIVE! Many never make it so not only do I wish to present myself as a visible trans person I wish to remember those who have passed either from suicide or murdered. Let us celebrate, let us grieve and let us live and love just as everyone else.

Want to help with transition costs? Donate here : The Shadow’s Journey

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Unreal Face

At day’s end who am I?
A wanderer? A poet? Artist?
I am a lost soul painting
On the canvas of the heart
Word are my colours, imagery
These stories faded memories

Who am I really?
A broken dreamer, unreal
Hoping to be so

When the day comes I find me
Starimg back in the bathroom mirror
I might seek to love again
Who is she? that face isn’t me
the void is such a constant misery
I know with time i’ll be free

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Years of Change

Pics from 2011, 2014, and 2018! look how I’ve grown and changed. I will be starting back on testosterone this February. I am very excited. Wish me luck!

Want to help with transition costs? Donate here : <a href=”https://www.gofundme.com/TheShadowsJourney”>The Shadow’s Journey </a>

Remember to support us on <a href=”https://www.patreon.com/theshadowslair

#selfmadetransman #selfmademan #transandproud #growingandchanging #transgendertransformations #ftm

Transform (2011)

By Damien Knight

I remind myself what I feel
The ever turning wheel
Tells me how cruel life is
This body lies, it is remiss
I’ve painted myself a mask
To avoid the important task
Of acknowledging my fate
I can’t be me it’s too late
Still I must or I’d rather die
This mask I wear a broken lie
My dream is to transform
Become the man I always known

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Disassociated (Nov 2012)

By Damien Knight

Starr’ s Last

Like pretty pretty pictures
Hung on pretty pretty walls
I was painted and locked away
Never to be seen at all
You I loved with my whole heart
You betrayed me tore me apart
Tossed me away so far
Yet you can’t abandon Starr
Oh shadow I was the shield
No protection just sword you weild
Deep inside you I won’t speak
Still without me you are weak
I am the scalelike Starr
Did you forget who you are?

Shadow’s Retort
The voice inside isn’t me
Lies created by society
I will make myself whole
Embrace the truth of my soul
Today I am made new
Living my life out I’m true
I am Raven, the shadow
I say thus and it is so
You say I forgot who I am
But I know I’m a strong man
I don’t need the lie anymore
You won’t make me feel unsure
I’ll absorb my past mistakes
Instead of eliminate

This was written in 2012 when I had finally started openly transitioning. 

Disassociation is part of that experience and this poem is the identity I created to protect me from society scolding me for coming out and being open for me and me retorting that I am not eliminating who I was but accepting that not all of it was me but what others wanted. That from that point forward I would be true to me.

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